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Mentioning Unmentionables

February 17, 2012

I’m not certain what blogger category I would fall under. I don’t talk about baseball, books or movies enough to be a baseball, book or movie blogger. While I primarily talk about me and my reactions to stuff I’m not, for the most part, a confessionary type of blogger. First, there’s really not much that’s interesting in my life to blog about and second, I have The Closet which is full of shame-filled thoughts reminding me that even if I did have interesting things to blog about, you wouldn’t be interested in reading about them because, as you’d most likely say in your gentlest voice, “Not to hurt your feelings or anything dude, but I’m really not interested in what flavor croissant you had this morning or what you listened to on the radio last night.” Of course you wouldn’t really say that, but you might think it. I know, I don’t know that, but The Closet tells me you would. Silly thoughts.

Anyway, on to the subject of unmentionables. I didn’t come right out and say it, but I sort of mentioned I was going to write about unmentionables in the post title. You know what unmentionables are, right? Unmentionables, drawers, short clothes, shorts, skivvies. You know – underwear. If talk of unmentionables is embarrassing for you then this might be a good time to retweet this post or just click the Facebook button to share this will all your Facebook friends and stop reading.

Okay, you know the old proverb: “Forewarned, forearmed: burnt children dread the fire.“? You’ve been forwarned. Underpants  laying on the road ahead.

I’ve always been fairly conservative when it came to underwear. Growing up I was always a briefs guy. Really, there was never even an option that I remember. Not that I was actively looking around in gym class or talking about underpants with my friends, but when I was a kid I don’t think anyone wore anything but white briefs. I know I didn’t. Boxers were around, but those were underwear for old men. Like your dad. Many years later, I don’t remember how many years, buy many years after I was buying my own underwear, I discovered boxer briefs and they were all right and I gradually made the switch. I can’t really say I liked boxer briefs over briefs because I don’t think about underwear that much to either like or dislike any particular type. If the underwear are clean, if they don’t have holes and they fit then they’re fine and that’s the end of my thoughts about them.

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping at Target. By the way, they had a great deal on Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut cereal. It’s good stuff if you’ve never had it. I’m not too fond of the Caramel Nut or the Roasted Nut & Honey, but the Golden Honey Nut flakes are pretty tasty and I recommend them. If you try them let me know what you think. So anyway, I’m shopping at Target a couple of weeks ago and I’m getting some socks and I figure as long as I’m there I may as well get some new underwear. After a minute of wondering what I’d look like in a pair of men’s bikini underwear (who wears those anyway?) I move over to the boxer briefs. I’m looking for a pack with a nice color assortment so I’m pawing through the packages. I find a package with some nice subtle colors and pull it out and I notice they’re not boxer briefs, but regular old-fashioned boxers. The old guy kind. But you know what, they didn’t look all that bad rolled up inside the plastic wrapping and the colors were nice and while I was looking at them something, I don’t know what it was, could have been nothing more than a few seconds of abnormally loud tinnitus, rings in my head and I think, “What the hell, let’s do it.” Feeling bold, I toss the package of boxers my the cart with the socks and move off.

With that done I’m suddenly in a hurry to get out of the store. I’m not sure why, but it always bothers me having personal stuff – like unmentionables – in my shopping cart. People in stores are invariably nosy and they always like looking into other people’s carts and really, is it anyone’s business that I’m buying underwear? Or what brand of mouthwash I’m using? I don’t think so. So I get out of Target and get my stuff home; I wash the new boxers and socks and put them away and that’s the end of that. Gone and forgotten. This morning I open my dresser drawer and sitting on top of the pile is a pair of the new boxers. Hmm. The boxer decision that seemed like such a good idea in the store suddenly doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore. I’m sort of yearning for my regular boxer briefs. Creature of habit and all that, you know?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, my options were limited and the clock was ticking so I grabbed the boxers and put them on and you know what, they weren’t half bad. No, they weren’t bad at all. It’s been a couple of hours later now and despite my 14-year old brain telling me that I’ve crossed over to being an old man today, I’m not unhappy. In fact, I’m pretty comfortable.

Thanks for reading.

Signed,
Old Man Boxers Wearing Guy

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. February 17, 2012 11:39 am

    I am currently laughing out loud!

    You are a random Seinfeld blogger, like me. We just, you know, blog, about whatever.

    Like

  2. February 17, 2012 4:34 pm

    I loved this, thanks for sharing Michael! Who knew you (not you specifically) could make unmentionables entertaining? I mean without parading around in them…um wait, what? Ignore that last part.

    🙂

    Like

  3. February 17, 2012 5:26 pm

    Michael, When I was growing up the kind you are currently wearing (how do I know this?… because you told me silly!)… were the kind the young guys wore. It was the “other” kind that were for the old men. Things change, I say go for comfort… and keep writing things that make people laugh… it’s a gift you know! 🙂

    Like

  4. February 17, 2012 7:22 pm

    “Random Seinfeld blogger” is a nice description. 🙂 I love the variety, and your since of humor.

    I always know something interesting is awaiting me when I get the notice that you’ve published!

    Like

  5. February 17, 2012 9:16 pm

    My favorite blogs are almost all the socks, cereal, traffic, memory lane, love lost, love found, I-sure-am-a-geek, bad hair day, we’re all pretty much the same, observations on life, underwear kind. Far more fun to read than book reviews or recipes for stuff that makes me want to trash the diet.

    Oh, and my take on guy-undies? White briefs seem to me to be appropriate for potty-training toddlers and old men in VA hospitals–and no one in between. Boxer-briefs are hot, bikinis creep me out, and traditional boxers? Like you, I remember them being old-dude underwear, though I know that’s not the case anymore. Not having man-equipment, I can only guess about the comfort factor of the above choices, but traditional boxers look like they’d be great for sleeping and lounging, but possibly, um, lacking in support for all day wear. Since you were a couple of hours into the experience at the time you wrote, it’s clear that I would have been dead wrong.

    Like

  6. February 17, 2012 10:29 pm

    Mr. Fishman, I never know what I am going to find when I come to your blog. This was not only interesting, but also hilarious. Believe it or not this topic is not an unusual thing to talk about in my house.
    I have:
    1. A Husband who wears boxers, multi-colored paks please.
    2. A son age 26 who has just crossed the line into boxer briefs.
    3. A son age 24 who only wears boxers, the more ridiculous the better.

    They also have special requirements for undershirts, but I won’t go into that now. I also remember when boxes were only for older Grandfather types, kinda like tie around the waist aprons were only for the Grandmother type of women.

    I don’t care what they wear….I don’t buy them anymore for them, and I won’t do their stinky laundry.

    mo

    p.s. You crack me up

    Like

  7. February 18, 2012 7:59 am

    Michael, YOU are too much (and I mean that in the BEST way! That’s why I mentioned you on my recent blog post).

    I have NO idea who wears the bikini unmentionables. The males in MY household do not (thankfully). They wear the boxer briefs. My husband does have the “old man kind” (ha ha) which he wears for work. Yeah, he wears two different kinds of “undies”. Don’t ask, he’s as weird as me. But we JUST WON’T get into what I wear.

    As far as looking into other people’s carts–I DON’T do THAT! And never even thought others were doing it to me. If they are and they have fun with it, oh well, I made their day! Although, laundry and cleaning supplies and nasal strips really shouldn’t give anyone any kicks and giggles. 😉

    Have a super weekend.

    Like

  8. February 18, 2012 12:55 pm

    Hubby is an old dude who still insists on briefs. Boxers seem to me it’d be like me running around without a bra all day–fine for the first couple of hours, but better not try any jogging–or even fast walking. : – ) Anyway, your blase attitude about underwear is the direct opposite of my friend Kelsey Timmerman (that might require two n’s at the end, not sure). He’s made a career out of writing and talking about underwear. You should check him out. He’s a nice kid.

    Like

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