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Lazy (Terrible Poetry Contest)

February 22, 2019

Chelsea’s topic this week is “Motivating Lazy People” and you can play along just by clicking right . . .  right . . .  right . . . HERE. Please do because it’s fun. And while I’m not a predictably proficient or plucky prognosticator, I can pretend with a plethora of pizzazz and I think you’ll have fun.

This was a difficult one for me because I think I might be lazy. Or maybe I’m just a procrastinator, I don’t know. So whatever the reason it was difficult.

Here’s a limerick.

Lazy Bart
I knew this guy named Bart.
He was lazy, couldn’t get him to start.
To get him in motion,
without causing a commotion,
I walked by him and dropped a big fart.

And here’s another one called:

Lazy Johnny
I knew this guy named Bart.
He was lazy, couldn’t get him to start.
To get him in motion,
without causing a commotion,
I walked by him and dropped a big fart.

That’s it. That’s all I have. I have no more. I’m going to lie down now. Thank you.

Deep Purple. (I love this band and if I weren’t so lazy I’d dig out some of their CDs)

 

And the Osmonds.

 

And Marilyn wants to be lazy while Donald and Mitzi dance.

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Getting To Know Me

February 21, 2019

I was hankering for something quick to write this morning while I had some free time and I was drawing a blank so I googled “quick writing prompt” and the first result was a website called Thoughtco and the article was “50 Writing Prompts for Elementary School Children”. I thought, nah, and was going to look at the next link when I thought elementary school children are what, between the ages of like five and 12 and then I thought that most of the time I think like an elementary school kid so I decided to take the prompts and answer them. So here we go and if you read this and feel like answer them please leave me a link so I can go and read your answers.

  1. The person I admire the most is … My mom.
  2. My biggest goal in life is… To not grow up.
  3. The best book I ever read… So many so there’s no official “best” but maybe for today I’ll say “East of Eden”.
  4. The happiest moment in my life was when… There have been a lot of “moments” in my life – we have 525,600 moments in a year, ‘ya know? Then multiply that by however many years and we’re up to the tens of millions of “moments” – so the better question would probably be “The happiest time”. Of course now that I’ve nitpicked this fourth question I have no desire, or interest, in answering it so you’ll just have to use your imagination as to what my happiest time was/is/will be.
  5. When I grow up… See #2.
  6. The most interesting place I have ever been was… Not “was”, it’s someplace I haven’t been to yet. Ooh, someplace I haven’t been yet – isn’t that mysterious?! Am I going to finally be an astronaut or am I going to go off to the wild west and become a cowboy? But the Minneapolis Art Institute and the Eloise Butler Wildlife Garden are both interesting places.
  7. Tell three things you do not like about school and why… It’s been a long time and since this is a list of writing prompts for elementary school students I’ll answer like I’m back in elementary school. Three things I do not like about school are PhysEd, PhysEd & PhysEd because PhysEd sucks.
  8. The strangest dream I ever had was… Pretty strange, lemme tell you. (Why am I answering these questions and why did I think this would be a good idea? I don’t know that it was a good idea)
  9. When I turn 16 I will… Be one year closer to being 17 and 74 years closer to be 90.
  10. All about my family… This made me think of All in the Family which was a good show when it first aired but unlike a lot of other shows from the 70’s, it hasn’t held up well.
  11. I get scared when… I wake up in the morning.
  12. Five things I would do if I was rich are… If I were a rich man I’d give money to people I know, give money to people I don’t know, give money to me, I’d buy an insane amount of stuff, I’d get baseball season tickets right behind home plate. I don’t know what team I’d buy the season tickets for because I might move so no hometown loyalty for me. Either to a warm city or a National League city where I don’t have to watch Designated Hitters and where I could live near water in a home I buy with my riches.
  13. What is your favorite sport and why? Baseball because it’s the best and it’s the only sport that’s worth watching.
  14. If I could change the world I would by… No one person can change the world so this isn’t a good question. If I were a fantasy writer then I would change the world by having an alien race with aqua-colored skin and 14 arms from 15,000,000,000 light years away arrive and conquer the planet and I’d let them change the world. And trust me, if that happened it probably wouldn’t be good so let’s skip to question/prompt #15.
  15. Dear teacher, I would like to know… “Master, if I shall love others, how can I be sure that they in return will love me in return?” (Name that show or click HERE)
  16. Dear President… Please resign and go away.
  17. I am happy when… I feel good.
  18. I am sad when… I don’t feel good.
  19. If I had three wishes I would… Not use them because wishes are never free and I’m not willing to pay the price(s).
  20. Describe your best friend, how you met them, and why you are friends… I met my best friend through another friend and I have no idea why we’re still friends. In fact, I’m not sure we are so I should check on that at some point.
  21. Describe your favorite animal and why… I suppose dogs because they’re everywhere and I like them. I don’t have any dogs but I would like a big dog and one that’s smarter than me. Maybe a Rottweiler or a Pit Bull Terrier or a Neapolitan Mastiff like Patsy, the dog in Andrew Vachss’ “Burke” series of books. No, none of the “Burke” books replace my choice from #3 above (although Blue Belle could make a run) but it’s a good series and if you like hardboiled crime fiction you might like them.
  22. My pet elephant… OK, scratch #21 and change dogs to elephants because I would love to have a pet elephant but that would be cruel. Unless I also change #21 and use my riches to fund an elephant sanctuary where I can live with a lot of elephants. Or I could take a risk and change #19 and use a wish or two to have a pet elephant in some way. Decisions . . .  who knew these questions would require such decision-making skills? And this reminds me of other favorite books and those are Hannah’s Dream by Diane Hammond and Modoc: The True Story of the Greatest Elephant that Ever Lived by Ralph Helfer. I liked both of those books better than Water for Elephants.
  23. The time a bat was in my house… This is a true story. The bat got in and was flying all around my apartment and swooping up and down and I swatted it with the Woodstock triple album and s/he slammed into the wall and dropped down onto my bed (yuck, I know). While s/he was laying there stunned I grabbed a plastic bag to scoop him (I’m done being gender non-specific) up and I saw a little bug (flea?) hop off of him onto my bed (yuck again, I know). I scooped him up and ran downstairs and opened the plastic bag and threw him out into the parking lot of the apartment building where I told myself he would eventually wake up and fly away (or get run over because at that point I didn’t really care) and then I ran back upstairs and grabbed up my bedding and ran back downstairs to the laundry room in the basement and washed them. It was a late night. I learned later that bats can fit through a 1/4″ diameter hole in a screen so check your windows.
  24. When I become an adult I want to… See #’s 2 & 5. I don’t plan on becoming an adult. (And I’m not sure if I plan on finishing these questions)
  25. My best vacation was when I went to… Going to visit my grandparents in Florida. I suppose that would be “vacations” because I went there a lot.
  26. Top 5 reasons why people argue are… Religion, Money, Ego, Politics, Love. Bonus answer: pizza toppings.
  27. Describe 5 reasons why going to school is important. It gives teachers jobs, it keeps pencil manufacturers in business, you can make cool paper covers for your books, it gets you out of the house for a few hours, you can learn to play a musical instrument there.
  28. My favorite television show is… (describe why) There have been a lot in the past but not so many nowadays. Homicide: Life on the Street, The Wire and Oz were really good, and if a miniseries counts as a TV show then The Corner takes that prize followed by Lonesome Dove (which, by the way, is another favorite book) Describe why? Because they were good. (OK, these questions are becoming annoying and I’m questioning why I thought this might be fun)
  29. The time I found a dinosaur in my backyard… Oh, gee, let’s see… that was like 70 million years ago when that happened and my memory, heck, I can barely remember what I had for breakfast. (Gosh, why am I doing this?!)
  30. Describe the best present that you ever received… Present? “Don’t get caught in the past, because the past is gone. Don’t get upset about the future, because the future is not yet here. There is only one moment for you to be alive, and that is the present moment. Go back to the present moment and live this moment deeply, and you’ll be free.” – Buddha
  31. Why is it that people say they love each other and they really don’t? Because people lie for various reasons; one of them being that they’re afraid of the truth. Another is they’re afraid of the person they say they love. Another is they’re afraid of themselves.
  32. My most embarrassing moment was when… I dropped a carton of milk off of my lunch tray in the school cafeteria when I was seven.
  33. Describe your favorite food and why… Pizza because it tastes good but I don’t eat it so much anymore. Right now it’s maybe Pad See Yew or some kind of stir fry.
  34. Describe your least favorite food and why… Meat, dairy. Pretty much anything that’s has little or no nutrition or is unhealthy or requires another animal to die for me.
  35. The top 3 qualities of a friend are… Honesty, loyalty, sense of humor.
  36. Write about what you would cook for an enemy… Why would I be cooking for an enemy (and why am I still answering these questions???)? Unless I suppose I had captured him in war and he was a POW in which case I would be cooking for him but in that case I would follow the Geneva Convention regarding humane treatment of prisoners.
  37. Use these words in a short story: scared, angry, Sunday, bugs. Once upon a time it was Sunday. I was scared and angry because the rain brought out the bugs and the exterminator wasn’t due out for another two days. The end. (Is it mercifully the end of these questions yet?)
  38. What’s your idea of a perfect vacation? One where you’re not thinking of something to write about for a few minutes and stumble into some insanely long questionnaire for children that you find yourself wishing you’d never started. And one that was either in Disney World or by a large body of water.
  39. Write about why someone might be afraid of snakes. I still have 11 questions to go after this? Seriously?!? Help me! OK, someone might be of snakes for any number of reasons. Maybe because they crawl and don’t have arms or legs? Maybe because they look slimy? Maybe because they’re hung up on original sin? Maybe because they don’t like Alice Cooper? Maybe because their baby brother was eaten by a snake during a family trip to the Amazon rainforest?
  40. List ten rules that you have broken and why you broke them. I’ve spit on the sidewalk and the other nine are better left to your imagination so have at it. Ask me and if you’re right I’ll tell you. Maybe.
  41. I’d walk a mile for… Oh thank heavens, only 10 questions left! I’d walk a mile for exercise, relaxation, to get somewhere that was a mile away from me. 21+ years ago I’d woulda walked a mile for a Camel.
  42. I wish someone had told me that… I was crazy for thinking that answering these questions was a good idea or a good way to kill a few minutes.
  43. Describe the hottest day you can remember… It was August, can’t remember the year, and the sun was out and people were wearing t-shirts and shorts and saying goofy stuff like, “Hey, hot enough for you?” and “Hey, at least it’s not 10 below and snowing!
  44. Write about the best decision that you have ever made… Well, it wasn’t starting to answer these prompts/questions 43 questions ago, I can tell you that!
  45. You opened the door and then… Closed it because no one was there. It took 45 questions to get to this one which might actually make for an interesting writing prompt.
  46. The time the power went out I… Put on my head flashlight and walked around and when that got boring I grabbed my Kindle and read.
  47. Write about 5 things you can do if the power goes out… Read, meditate, sleep, go outside for a walk, sit and wonder why I answered these questions.
  48. If I were President I would… President of what? A bank? Amazon? My HOA? The Library Board? The country? But what about if I were a king? Why if I were king of the forest I’d command each thing, be it fish or fowl, with a woof and a woof, and a royal growl. And I wouldn’t be afraid of anything. Not nobody, not nohow.
  49. Create a poem using the word: love, happy, smart, and sunny.,,
    Love can make you feel happy, or crappy.
    Smart and sunny, or anxious and funny.
    Enter at your own risk.
  50. The time my teacher forgot to wear shoes… Her feel got cold and Tim Severson developed a foot fetish that 16 years later would land him in jail. Sheesh. Thank heavens I’m done!

Have at it, and if you do, remember to leave me a link. And if you do, don’t blame me!

For Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2019

Hi and Happy Valentine’s Day to you. That’s all I’ll say about Valentine’s Day because to say more might make you think, “Damn, but this guy is a bit of a curmudgeon, isn’t he?”

And of course I wouldn’t hear you say that because you’d be thinking it and even if you were to say it out loud, we’re separated by miles and miles and miles of space so I’d never hear it.

But if I could hear it, or if I could read your thoughts, I would say, “Not really a curmudgeon.” and then I’d start to tell you my tale of woe and heartbreak and I’d stop and say, “Oh, but you don’t want to hear this tale of woe and heartbreak on this day of love and devotion.” and you’d probably say (or think), “Oh, but no, I do want to hear your tale of woe and heartbreak so please, go on.” And I’d say, “Really?” and you’d say (or think) “Really!” and so, after looking deep in your eyes (or your thoughts) to assess your sincerity, I would bare my soul with my story of woe and heartbreak and tell you about the period of my life when I was in love with a reptile. Don’t make a face, it’s ancient history and it’s over and I know, it sounds odd. Who loves reptiles in that way, right? and the doctors that treated me for herpetoamouria thought the same thing, but it was what it was and what can I say, I was a kid and it was a phase. Anyway, she was a beautiful yellow lizard and there was something about those eyes of hers that could move independent of each other that just sent me swirling. I knew there were problems. I may not be fortunate enough to have stereoscopic visions, but I’m not blind. I saw the problems and I ignored them thinking they’d disappear like the flies I would put out for our her dinner. They didn’t, and one evening in early May she crawled out the door. “Stop,” I pleaded. “Please come back!” But with one eye on the door in front of her and another eye on me standing behind her, she kept on crawling. Whether it was because she didn’t care or because chameleons really don’t hear very well I don’t know, but as I watched her carefully walk out the door and into the tall grass of our front yard I said to her, to myself, to the heavens and to anyone who could hear me, “I love you. I’ll always love you. You . . . you . . .  you . . . you’re one in a chameleon.”

So that’s that.

I hope you have a nice day.

Here’s a song of lost love for Valentine’s Day. “It may never be enough.”

Valentine’s Day (Terrible Poetry Contest)

February 12, 2019

If you’d like to write terrible poetry then go to Chelsea’s Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest by clicking right HERE. Go there and read some and write one and then come back and read mine.

Topic: LOVE POEM. A sonnet, preferably, but go where your heart tells you.

As always, make it terrible! I want your intended to cry as s/he reads what you’ve ardently penned -and for neither of you to know if they are tears of joy or pain.

Mine isn’t a sonnet. And it ain’t got Blue Bonnet on it. But here is my terrible love poem:

For My Babe on Valentine’s Day

What I won’t do for you – –

Those jeans you think are too tight: they are. But I won’t tell you because I care that much. And really, what difference does it make if you have a fat ass?

I’m the only one looking at it and I’ve never expected perfection.
And besides, you’re a good cook and I don’t want to mess that up.

Your hair: I guess I don’t mind the gray.
It is what it is, hey.

I will always do what I can to make you happy.

When I kiss you, your breath sometimes smells.

It’s like pepperoni mixed with that sour smell
of milk that’s been in the fridge too long.
I don’t say anything but it makes me
wonder if you’re not due for a
teeth cleaning.

Sure, you have faults; who doesn’t? But it’s OK because you let me watch baseball games and you don’t bug me too much with household stuff.

And you don’t make me clean up after the dog. Actually – and not to dwell on your breath – but pepperoni and sour milk and the dog when he’s wet.

Anyway – –

Happy Valentine’s Day

I really like you.

= = = =

Nursery Rhymes (or Crimes?) – Terrible Poetry Contest

February 6, 2019

This week Chelsea’s Terrible Poetry Contest challenges us with nursery rhymes. This was a difficult one for me because I like nursery rhymes and trying to make a terrible one seemed almost sort of sacrilegious. Of course I like poetry in general, too, and I don’t seem to have a problem with making terrible poetry so go figure.

Want to give it a spin? Go HERE for everything you need to know.

Here’s my spin – –

Frankie holds his undies out, mom takes them with a frown.
Her nose is wrinkled, her eyes are closed, a reaction to the brown.

“Why, Frankie, dear these pants do smell oh my, what did you do?”

“I’m sorry mom I just bent down and out came some tiny poo.”

Tiny’s right, Frank’s mommie thinks, they look like baby ants.
Or maybe, she laughs, like something dropped from Captain Underpants.

Since I’m desecrating the holiness of nursery rhymes, why stop with just one? Here’s another –

Frankie stepped down off the curb he didn’t look left or right.
A speeding driver came down the street and drove right through the light.
People shouted out to Frankie; many more folks screamed
But Frankie was listening to a baseball broadcast and wound up getting creamed.

Frankie got run over.
There wasn’t much left over.
Sort of like a cherry turnover
(only with blood and bones and torn and wrinkled skin instead of cherries)

They used a mop to clean up Frankie, the driver went away in chains
And all that was left at the end of the day was a bit of Frankie’s brains.
So when you cross the street my friends be sure to look both ways
unless you want to wind up as a blob of bloody mayonnaise.

Here’s a song about a pair of underwear you probably wouldn’t want to be near.

And here’s a song about life and catching up with an old friend that unfortunately includes someone who was in a car crash like our unfortunate Frankie. I know some people don’t enjoy Tom Waits’ singing voice, but the man writes poetry/songs like few others.

 

Dinner at Six (Peregrine Arc Creativity Contest)

January 31, 2019

From Peregrine Arc comes this week’s Creativity Contest:
For this week’s prompt, I want you to imagine you received a mysterious letter in the mail asking to prepare an elegant dinner for an unnamed guest. The letter has no return address, but is written on thick paper with one of those wax, emblem seals. The guest is to arrive sharply at six o’clock. Like with last week, the scene and setting are yours. Build up some anticipation, but eventually you need to let your readers know who arrived for dinner and why. Take this and fly, fellow writers.

I think I met most (some?) of the prompt and I left other parts out because I went with the first idea that popped into my head. If you want to play along and share some of your creativity, go HERE.

Dinner at Six

The second time he looked at the mysterious note nothing changed. And nothing changed the third time, or the fourth time, or the twelfth time. The only thing that changed was the note he found under his door this morning became more crumpled from his repeatedly folding and unfolding it.

The note —

Dinner at six?
I’ll bring the pizza.
Looking forward to seeing you!
-M

M.

For the first time in his 21-year-old life, Ricky thought that dating two women at the same time might not be such a good idea.

Michelle?

Molly?

Which one?

Damn.

The pizza was a clue but not much of a clue since he met both Michelle and Molly when they worked with him at Gustino’s for a couple of months last year. Michelle waited tables and Molly delivered pizza. Both quit Gustino’s within weeks of his being hired but neither of them quit Ricky and unbeknownst to the “M’s” he’d been dating both of them ever since.

Ricky decided the only thing he could do would be to prepare for a night of pizza and mystery and enjoy the company of whichever “M” showed up at his door. It’s not, he thought like the cad he was, like they’re really very different.

It wasn’t until later that afternoon when he was talking about the note with Paul, the day manager at Gustino’s that he came up with the idea of adding a little surprise to whichever one of his girlfriends was his mystery “M”. His idea wasn’t as mysterious as hers, but he thought it’d be more entertaining and it was that thought that accompanied Ricky on his bus ride home.

Ricky got home at 4:30. He walked around straightening things up to make his place look presentable. He gave the carpets a quick vacuum, gave the bathroom a quick wipe down, cleaned the toilet bowl and put a fresh set of sheets on the bed. Then he grabbed a beer out of the fridge and at 4:40 he sat down on the couch and started up a Beavis and Butt-head DVD. He dozed off right about the time Butt-Head tipped a cow over onto Beavis. He woke up about an hour later and went to take a shower. He dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist. Standing in front of the mirror he smoothed his hair back and smiled. “Beautiful as always and ready for pizza,” he said.

He walked back out to the living room, sat back down on the couch and finished off his beer while he waited.

At a couple minutes to six the doorbell rang and Ricky stood up and walked over to the door to let “M” and the pizza in. It was time for his surprise. He opened the door with his right hand while he removed the towel with his left. He watched the towel drop to the floor and with a grin on his face he looked up and said, “Hi babe is that my… Mom? MOM!”

Winter Fun

January 29, 2019

One of the many things I enjoy about winter is . . .

OK, that’s a lie. Rule #1: never begin a blog post with a lie.

The only thing I like about winter is seeing animal tracks in the snow.

When I go out for my regular winter walks, I . . .

I’m sorry, that’s another lie.

When I look out my window I can see lots of different tracks and I have fun figuring out what they are. This winter I’ve seen bird tracks and squirrel tracks and what look to be the tracks of mid-sized Goblins and at least two Leprechauns and . . .

Sorry.

Bird tracks and squirrel tracks and mouse tracks and a bunch of dog tracks and rabbit tracks. The rabbit tracks were very easy for me to identify because I have a little patio that’s surrounded by a tall hedge and I see rabbits – or it could be the same rabbit, I don’t know – hiding under there all the time. I’m guessing she/he/they are hiding from the owl I hear periodically. Anyway, it snowed Sunday night and so yesterday afternoon I went out there to shovel off the patio and I looked out and saw a bunch of rabbit tracks just outside the door that leads out of my living room to the little patio. It’s a drafty door and I guessed that the rabbit(s?) might huddle there when it’s dark because it’s a degree or two warmer? Hopefully warmth is all that’s on his mind because you really have to remember to be careful of rabbits. Yes, they’re cute and cuddly, like who doesn’t love Hazel and Bigwig, but they’re also, on occasion, deadly.

That clip isn’t enough to convince you of the danger rabbits pose to humanity? OK, try this one on for size.

You’ve gotta be careful around them.

I just saw Jonathan Winters on a Johnny Carson repeat on Antenna TV the other night. The show was from 1976 and and Jonathan mentioned rabbits when talking about his health: “I’m big on lettuce. I have a thing about rabbits. I love them and they’re “active” creatures and if that’s what they eat, that’s what I eat.”

So go eat like a rabbit.

 

 

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