Me & Jen

I’m a pretty private person so I don’t talk much about myself, but I felt it was important for me to say something about this publicly before the news outlets pick it up and it goes viral on social media.

Some of you who have been following me for a while know that Jennifer Aniston and I have been in a fantasy relationship for quite a few years. I’ve blogged about our fantasy relationship before, and before, and before, and before. Lately though, things between us haven’t felt the same. She’s been more distant than has been normal for her and there have been too many days where she’s still in bed at ten when she’s her work had begun work at eight, and for me, I feel more and more like I’m stuck in second gear. Having said that, I’m announcing that after seven years I’ve ended our fantasy relationship.

No, I won’t answer any questions about the burned breakfast.

I’ve always been there for her. I was there after her break-up with Brad Pitt and I was there when the rain started to pour, and I was there for her after her separation from that Justin Theroueauuaeaouxx guy, but I can’t keep it up, I can’t keep “being there” any longer. I have to take care of myself now.

I wish Ms. Aniston all the best in her future endeavors. Maybe if she had chosen me instead of that Justin Theroueauuaeaouxx guy she wouldn’t have had to endure countless years being the subject of gossip and rumors and innuendo in the tabloids (because, let’s face it, I’m kind of boring) and she would be comfortable and happy sitting on a couch (in pajamas or lingerie, whichever she preferred) next to me eating popcorn.

And for the record, I’d like to say that I am not one of Jennifer Aniston’s mystery suitors.

So ends the Jennifer Aniston chapter of my life. No one told me life was going to be this way and this wasn’t an easy decision but I believe it to be the best decision for both of us.

C’est la vie.

“La vie.”

But my love life’s not D.O.A. While you might be thinking that this hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year, I’m not one to wallow and I’m not one to pass up a good idiom so I’ve taken the bull by the horns and I’m jumping in with both feet and I’m making my move, I’m taking the plunge, I’m choosing my fate and I’ve begun fantasy seeing Jennifer Garner. I think Jennifer Garner is going to be a much better Jennifer and between the Capital One and Neutrogena commercials I think we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.