Trying to Love You

This week’s Terrible Poetry Contest topic: “Unrequited Love”. Click that link and be terrible!

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Trying to Love You

I sent you a puppy to show you my love.
You turned the poor thing into a first baseman’s glove.

I sent you a kitten to show you I care.
You shaved the poor thing so it had no more hair.

I sent you a toy, a cute Barbie doll.
You melted it by dunking her in raw alcohol.

I sent you a dove to show you my passion.
You sent me his bones after eating him with an Old Fashioned.

I walked to your door hoping for a dialogue.
You said some strange words and turned me into a frog.

I hopped on back home and got lost in St. Paul.
I called you on the phone but you didn’t answer my call.

I hopped back to your door hoping that you’d put me back.
You said more strange words and gave me a bad panic attack.

I begged you to slow down my speeding heartbeat.
You said more strange words and poof – I was a parakeet.

I flew around in circles and was chirping in tones.
You muttered something about a skull and crossbones.

I perched on your screen door feeling frustrated.
You said go away or you’ll find yourself castrated.

I asked if you’d turn me back into a human.
You said, “What’s the middle name of Harry S. Truman?”

I said, “I don’t know, may I have another question?”
You just stood there staring with an odd facial expression.

I said, “Please restore me and I’ll leave you alone.”
You said more strange words and I was in a NASA space cone.

I said, “Bring me back please and you won’t see me again.
You muttered something under your breath that sounded like, “Amen”.

I was back down on earth and I said, “Can I ask one last question?”
You said, “Only if you want to see more magical aggression.”

I thought that I didn’t so instead I just said, “Bye.”
You just looked at me harshly with one squinted eye.

I walked down her sidewalk and turned ‘round the bend.
And that’s where my story of unrequited love comes to an end.

Then I stopped and made just one quick backward glance.
You shouted, “Keep going. You don’t have a chance.”

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Allan Sherman was the greatest song parodist of all time and he did a parody of “The Riddle Song (I Gave My Love a Cherry)” as part of the “Shticks and Stones” medley on his “My Son the Folksinger” album. Without anyone’s permission here are two verses from that song that I think speak to unrequited love.

I gave my love a chicken, it had no bone.
I gave my love a cherry, it had no stone.
I gave my love a baby, and then you see, my love got very angry and she said to me.

I didn’t mind the chicken, without the bone.
I didn’t mind the cherry, without the stone.
But when you give a baby, it’s just one thing: you ought to give at least an engagement ring.