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Terrible Poetry Contest (week 5)

December 11, 2018

It’s the Fifth Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest hosted by Chelsea Owens!

This week Chelsea says that the topic is ‘Twas the Night before Christmas. I thought it was interesting that she chose that topic because if you look closely at the calendar you’ll see that Christmas is – you ready for this? – only a couple of weeks away!

Coincidence? Well, you know what Shakespeare said: “You speak an infinite deal of nothing.” Of course that has nothing to do with coincidence but it does make me feel a little self-conscious every time I think of it. Anyway, back to coincidence. So this Christmasy prompt falling so close to Christmas is, as baseball great Yogi Berra once said, “That’s too coincidental to be a coincidence.”

It’s week five and you can read the rules by clicking right HERE.

Christmas Eve Thing

Twas the night before Christmas and I’m all by myself
got my camera to photograph that goofy red elf.

2018’s the year where I’ll get him recorded
and for my effort the Pulitzer committee will see me rewarded.

But I’m hungry so first I’ll make me some nice, hearty bisque.
And maybe I’ll make it with some gooey lutefisk.

Can I ask you a question, my Christmasy chum?
Did you ever try writing some poetry, hmmm?

Don’t answer ‘cuz honestly I really don’t care
anymore than I care ‘bout your smelly footwear.

So maybe, dear reader, I’ll deck the halls because:
I really want my two front teeth,
or maybe I just want
you,
or blue,
or white,
or…
Sorry, my thoughts became a little abstracted, but when I saw who mommy was kissing I got a bit distracted.

Now I’ve lost my count in this Christmas extravaganza
and I know Chelsea said only eight or nine when it comes to the stanza.

(I just counted and that’s seven. Please, dear reader, pretend you didn’t just read this parenthetical non-stanza. It’ll just be our little secret; alongside that one time when Dasher and Comet got some . . . oops, never mind that and forget I even mentioned it)

I have one final thought for you before it’s too late
(and no, it’s not to tickle my manly breastplate)

It’s whether you’re at sea or straddling an isthmus,
Please have yourself a merry, happy, jolly, healthy little Christmas.

= = = =

And remember, as Pearl Bailey says, it’s OK to ask for money!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 11, 2018 2:29 pm

    You SO crack me up, Dude.
    God Jul, you mis-metered poet

    Liked by 1 person

  2. December 14, 2018 11:48 am

    This was so terrible to read. I can safely say you were in the finals, thanks to that horrible meter and absent-minded rambling that still rhymed! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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