I Can’t Stop Smelling Myself

I was walking through a Kohl’s Department store yesterday afternoon when out of nowhere I saw her. Jennifer Aniston. I took a deep breath, ran shaky fingers through my scattered remnants of hair and managed to maintain a sense of self-composure as I approached her. Yes, this was certainly unexpected, but there she was – Jennifer Aniston right here in St. Louis Park.

As I got closer to her I saw she was naked except for a thick towel, gray with hints of tan and green, call it Pantone 413, wrapped around her – for lack of a better word – delicious body. She, Jennifer Aniston, the goddess of all that is beautiful, was sitting on a large boulder, her bare legs, casually crossed in front of her, were sending a subliminal message telling me that ‘x’ does, in fact, mark the spot. Jennifer’s hair, so far removed from “The Rachel” of years ago, yet more beautiful, if that’s possible, was still wet from whatever body of water was pooled behind her. I imagined her sitting at a private Mexican beach. Maybe her private Mexican beach. The private Mexican beach she had “her people” call and invite me down to for a day of frolicking in the water and sand and an evening of my special recipe pizza, Hershey’s chocolate and . . . 

Stacked on a plastic display case in front of the poster of Jennifer Aniston was her new perfume, “Lovalie”. I quietly made my way to the display and fortunately I didn’t have to elbow anyone aside to get to the tester. As I held the small glass spray bottle in my hand I asked myself (Silently, I hope. The memory gets a little blurry here.) if this is what Jennifer Aniston really smells like. I sniffed the vaporizer (I think that’s what the little button thing is you press to dispense a spray of the perfume is called?) but nothing came out. No surprise, I thought as I looked in the bottle only to find it was almost empty, because who wouldn’t want to smell like Jennifer Aniston. I noticed, however, there was just enough perfume in the bottle for another spray or two assuming the bottle was tilted just so, so, not caring who might be watching me or what they might be thinking, I tilted and shook and tilted some more and I sprayed Jennifer Aniston onto my left forearm and hand.

I set the bottle down and smelled my arm and froze. Jennifer Aniston was on my arm and I was smelling her and I suddenly understood why Beatles fans might want to collect John Lennon’s tooth, or a swatch of a Beatles’ bed sheet. Or why Elvis fans might want to get themselves a lock of The King’s hair or a few drops of his sweat. Who cares what anyone else thinks, right? We know what’s important even if ‘they’ don’t.

Walking out of the store I passed a check out lane and the cashier was smiling at me. Whether she found me attractive because I was wearing “Lovalie” or whether she smiled in an effort to keep a deranged middle-aged man calm and rational, will remain a mystery, but I smiled back and I was happy being an enigma. At dinner last night, did she sit down and tell people about the man with the swagger and the nice smile, the weird guy putting on women’s perfume, the person who prompted her to put her finger on the store’s silent security alarm, or simply the fellow who remains calm when other people smile at him and, who it just so happens, smells really good.

Jennifer Aniston describes her perfume as a “non perfume” perfume. I have no idea what that means, but if Jennifer Aniston said it then it means something important and it’s just something I’m not ready to understand yet because I’m not, I don’t know, Jenworthy. However, and not to question the wisdom of Jennifer Aniston, I describe “Lovalie” as the scent of beauty and perfection.

On a side note, there were three perfume displays in the aisle at Kohl’s. There was Jennifer Aniston’s beautiful display, and there was a rather bland and predictably uninspired display for the unimaginatively named “Wonderstruck” perfume from Taylor Swift, and then sandwiched between those two was a display for a Justin Bieber perfume which I originally found a little odd, but which made more sense as I thought about it.

A little secret just between you and me, I’m thinking of bringing my pillowcase to Kohl’s tomorrow and spraying it down with some “Lovealie”. I’m just wondering if I should be discrete about it, or just walk up, spray it down and get out quickly.

So, that’s it. Enjoy your day, from the two of us…
Jennifer and Michael

TOMORROW ON MICHAELSFISHBOWL: Local man arrested after refusing to leave department store perfume display. The man who was forcibly removed from the store claimed he was only using his heavily scented pillowcase to try and cover up superstar, and most beautiful woman in the world, Jennifer Aniston’s promotional poster to protect her virtue.

Jennifer Aniston could not be reached for comment.