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I Didn’t Do It

March 28, 2012

You know what I don’t like? All right, I’ll tell you. You’re in a building. It’s a small building, maybe it’s even your office building, and you realize you have to use the restroom because you have to… you know. So because this is a small building the restroom is small and it could be that it’s just a restroom for one person at a time because it’s that small. You’ve seen restrooms like this so you know what I’m talking about.

So you realize you have to use the restroom and you go to this small restroom and you open the door and you step inside and you’re hit with a really strong – and really bad – smell because the person who used the restroom before you used it to… you know. Now you don’t have to… you know, but you do have to… you know, the other thing, so you close off your nose and take really shallow breaths and you do what needs to be done and you get out of there as quickly as possible.

However, you’re not quick enough because just as you’re using a paper towel to open the door and walk out of the restroom, someone is waiting right there to walk in. You now experience that uncomfortable three seconds where you’re trying to avoid any type of physical contact and you’re squirming to get out of their way and they’re trying to get out of your way and you both have that silly smile we all get when we’re trying to be polite and friendly, but we’re also trying to get away from this stranger in front of us as soon as possible. It’s right then that you make eye contact with the stranger and in that eye contact you notice a suddenly furrowed eyebrow and a slight nose twitch on the stranger’s face and you know, you know beyond any doubt, that the stranger has smelled what the person before you did in the restroom when they went in there and… you know. And you know in your heart of hearts that when that stranger made eye contact with you and his brow furrowed and his nose twitched that he thought it was you, yes, you who left that profane, noxious, unholy smell behind. The stranger looks at you and he knows, and you know he knows, and you know he’s going to go about the rest of his day talking about the person – you – who did a really nasty… you know, in the bathroom this morning.

The stranger is going to talk about it – you – to his friends and co-workers and his friends and co-workers are going to shake their heads in disgust. The stranger is going to go home and he’s going to talk about it – you – to the bus driver, as well as anyone who sits next to him, and the bus driver, as well as anyone who sits next to him, is going to shake his head in revulsion. And when the stranger gets home he’s going to talk about it – you – to his family and his wife is going to shake her head in revulsion and his kids, because kids love this type of stuff, they’re going to laugh uncontrollably and they’re going to tell their friends who will tell their friends until every child in every school in a ten-mile radius will be laughing.

And you know, just like you know the sun rises in the east, that all the head shaking and all the laughing will all be directed right at you.

I really don’t like that.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” – Henry David Thoreau

Depends on where we’re standing.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. cdng33k permalink
    March 28, 2012 11:33 am


    I don’t think the Stranger will be telling everyone they know that they suspected you did “bad potty” in the bathroom. (Though they’re probably chuckling thinking you have some intestinal distress!)


  2. Pamela D Hart permalink
    March 28, 2012 11:33 am

    Oh Michael! I can’t, you know, do THAT in a public restroom! I know, crazy, huh? But if I go in (for number one) and someone else, you know, did a really obnoxious number two…I stick toilet paper up my nostrils then go number one REALLY fast and if I encounter someone on the way out and their nose twitches, I say, “Hey don’t look at me, I didn’t do THAT!”


    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 30, 2012 8:33 am

      But Pamela, you know when you deny it they think you’re doubly guilty! I like the TP in the nostrils idea!


  3. Bill Dunlap permalink
    March 28, 2012 12:35 pm

    Or you can do a Jim Carey. Collapse in his arms and say, “for the love of god, don’t go in there.”


    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 30, 2012 8:34 am

      This is when WordPress needs a “Like” button like Facebook. Great idea, Bill!


  4. Sonel permalink
    March 28, 2012 1:28 pm

    Whahahahahha! Bill Dunlap’s got the answer there! LOL!


  5. Sherece permalink
    March 28, 2012 6:07 pm

    LOL – so true, Michael. There is another bathroom horror story just as appalling as the odor polluting guy—–> I get almost physically ill when I witness someone walking from a stall straight to the door without stopping at the sink to wash hands. ~shudder~


    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 30, 2012 8:35 am

      I hate that too! And it seems to happen a lot.


  6. March 28, 2012 6:13 pm

    Well, now, I , umm, that is to say, I think, or, er, oh, soooooo….that just stinks?


  7. March 28, 2012 11:55 pm

    You crack me up! My Grandmother had that problem, I think it was because she drank warm beer out of one of those little jelly glasses. And, of course because we thought it as funny, we would all snicker when she came out. Her answer to our giggling was “What’s with you? I suppose you shit Chanel!” Made us laugh even more. Funny old Irish Grandmother.


    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 30, 2012 8:36 am

      Warm, or room temperature, is the only way to drink beer. I would have liked your grandmother (as long as I didn’t have to share a bathroom with her!).


  8. janesinfinitewisdom permalink
    April 2, 2012 9:18 pm


    The good news is that it’s probable the next person to need to…you know…caught your next in line coming out the door and thought it was HIM. 🙂

    It’s a vicious cycle, this need to…you know…is.


  9. April 3, 2012 1:40 pm

    This made me laugh because it JUST happened to me. I was at physical therapy and walked into the restroom and almost passed out from the smell. Not only that, they previous party also “spackled” and it was still there even after I flushed!


    • Michael Fishman permalink
      April 4, 2012 8:00 am

      “Spackled” LOL!! I hate the spackle and you can only imagine the force it must have had on exit to stick that hard to the bowl that it would withstand multiple flushings! I don’t know if I should bow in respect to them or think about running away!


  10. April 4, 2012 8:14 am

    ‘Bow in respect’ – that’s totally something my brothers would say!

    and yes .. what the hell did they eat??!


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