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I Did it Again

March 27, 2012

I did it again. This is the ninth time I’ve done it, and to be honest with you, I’m not confident the results will be any different this time than on any of the previous eight times; those results being pretty much less than satisfactory.

Once again, I’ve joined a gym. Sorry, I mean I’ve joined a health club. I mean a Health Club.

Yes, I’m going back into the world of treadmills and ellipticals. Bicep curls and back extensions. Exercise bicycles and… excuse me, I’m a little winded and need to catch my breath…

Where was I? Exercise bicycles and stretching mats. Upper body ergometers and stomach crunches. Athlete’s foot and jock…

Excuse me, I think that’s enough.

What’s enough?

Your list. You can stop with athlete’s foot.

What’s wrong with jock…

We don’t need to hear about.

But it’s…

We don’t need to hear about it.

But…

Uh, uh, that’s enough.

B…

Enough.

Can I go back to my list?

If you must. Just keep it clean and away from… that.

You mean jock…

That’s what I mean.

Back to the world of modular cable weights and chest presses. Leg extensions and lat pulldowns. Adaptive motion trainers and lateral leg extensions. Mildewed drinking fountains and stranger-produced sweat drops. And happy couples lounging between sets and laughing over protein drinks and hulking muscle guys grunting and lifting weights equal in weight to a small car. And pesky personal trainers with 8 pack abs trying to drum up business and buff 20-somethings wearing sporty, form-fitting, trendy “gym apparel”.

And music. Really loud music from radio stations you’ve never heard of playing music by artists with orange hair that only 14-year-olds listen to.

And mirrors. Lots and lots of mirrors so no matter where you look, there you are. You and your stomach and your 1960’s era sweatpants and your eighth grade-looking sweatshirts that looked good in the store but not so good here on display from every angle imaginable. And everyone in the gym watching you from one of those angles.

And everyone in the parking lot watching you from one of those angles.

And everyone driving by the gym, I mean health club, watching you from one of those angles.

I must be out of my mind.

You know what, I’m ready to quit again.

Don’t quit yet. Can’t you think of anything positive about the experience?

Shut up.

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. March 27, 2012 1:01 pm

    The thing I hate most at my gym/health club/Health Club is that the mirrors make you look bigger, to make you think you’re fat and need to keep coming in…and the scales are calibrated to make you seem lighter, so you think you’ve lost weight and…thats right, you’re motivated to keep coming in. Very shady business.

    Like

    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 27, 2012 1:03 pm

      Very shady and I’m keeping this comment and will be coming back to it when I’m looking for reasons why I don’t trust the gym! You know what else is shady? The place I joined charges an annual ‘club maintenance fee’ which I figure is just a way to get back some of the money they give you off on the enrollment.

      Like

      • March 27, 2012 1:05 pm

        Hmmm! I wonder if my place has a club maitenance fee. Shady gym bastards!

        Like

        • Michael Fishman permalink
          March 27, 2012 2:29 pm

          They probably do but maybe they call it something else like an “Enhancement Fee” or a “Capital Improvement Fund”. There’s a conspiracy afoot, I tell ‘ya! No, I guess that’s just my foot. Shady rat gym bastards!

          Like

  2. March 27, 2012 1:15 pm

    We have a treadmill, elliptical, and BowFlex in the spare room. I also have some free weights and a crapload of exercise DVDs. If you promise not to laugh at my ratty yoga pants, tee-shirt from my grandson’s tee-ball team, and chicken-white legs, you are welcome to come over and work out with the hubs and me.

    Or we could just order a pizza and watch a movie.

    Like

    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 27, 2012 2:30 pm

      I’m sort of worn out from writing about working out and I think the muscle recovery formula is one day on, three weeks off, so I’m pretty much down for the pizza and a movie!

      Like

  3. March 27, 2012 3:35 pm

    Working out is no doubt a great idea, but I like to just think about it, not actually break a sweat DOING it. But, you go! Health Clubs are either great motivators or great depressants, depending on your self-image and goals, I suppose.
    For this gal, I’ll be at Beth’s eating pizza and watching the movie of her choice.

    Like

    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 27, 2012 6:06 pm

      Thanks for the encouragement, but I really want that pizza!

      Like

  4. Sonel permalink
    March 27, 2012 3:45 pm

    Whahahahaha! I like that voice of reasoning..hehehe. I’d rather swim or go for a walk before I join a health club again. Great post! 🙂

    Like

  5. atothewr permalink
    March 27, 2012 4:42 pm

    Good luck.

    Took up running a few years ago and I haven’t regretted since.

    Even started a blog about it.

    Like

    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 27, 2012 6:07 pm

      I might run through the parking lot to my car but that’s probably the extent of my running! I’m too old to run. In fact, I’m thinking I might be too old to even work out in public! Thank you for the good wishes.

      Like

      • atothewr permalink
        March 27, 2012 6:18 pm

        I’m hitting 40 this year and I’m a late bloomer. You can still do it. Good luck. Check out my running site if you need some advice or help with motivation.

        Like

  6. March 27, 2012 5:13 pm

    I don’t know one person that is over 27 that goes to a gym on a regular basis. My sons are 24 and 26, and they even get bored of the place. They run, bicycle and eat good instead. They both have eight-packs. They also have come home with athlete’s feet, impetigo and various fungal infectons. Not me…never…nope. But if I did go to one I would just drink protein shakes (chocolate please) and watch TV. Keep us posted on your progress.

    Like

    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 27, 2012 6:11 pm

      Fungal infections… I’m thinking that maybe it’s not too late to go back and get my money back! I suppose I can discreetly Purell everything before I touch it.

      Like

  7. March 27, 2012 10:26 pm

    Wise move… enjoy it! Stuff happens in gyms … keep your shoes on. 😆

    Like

    • Michael Fishman permalink
      March 28, 2012 5:20 am

      Ha! I plan on it! I’d like to stay as far away from fungus of any sort as possible!

      Like

  8. Roly permalink
    March 28, 2012 3:35 am

    Bwahahaha great post I hate the gym too.

    Like

  9. April 4, 2012 7:10 am

    I love to work out. I’ve been at it for awhile now. It doesn’t usually last this long–for some reason the work out itch is sticking around longer this time around. I figure by the time the temps climb up to the 80’s I’ll have had enough. We’ll see.

    Stick with it– the one day on three weeks off thing is a start! HA HA! Seriously– stick to it– just one more day. 🙂

    Cheers, Jenn.

    Like

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