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Dear Citizens of the World

December 6, 2011

December 6, 2011

Dear everyone in the world,

When you sneeze, cover your mouth and nose.

That is all.

Thank you,

p.s. You public sneezers are all lucky I have that badge over there on the far right of the screen that says I blog with integrity because if I didn’t, I’d really have something to say about all the public sneezers in the world!

p.p.s. And it wouldn’t be pretty!

p.p.p.s. This goes for children, too. I know you’re young, but some of you are the worst offenders and it’s never too early to learn. First lesson: use your fingers to cover your nose, not pick your nose. Do you hear that parents?

p.p.p.p.s. Don’t ever sneeze in an elevator. Ever. Even if you cover your mouth and nose, just don’t do it.

p.p.p.p.p.s. Think twice about sneezing on an escalator. Remember, the sneeze cloud remains in the space in which it was expelled even though you’re travelling up or down. Think of the person behind you.

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. If you’re in a waiting room or office and feel the need to sneeze, either suppress the sneeze or excuse yourself and leave the room and then sneeze.

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Don’t ever sneeze around food or touch food with hands that have covered a sneeze. Fresh, frozen, canned, bagged, boxed, it doesn’t matter. Don’t ever sneeze around food or touch food with sneezy hands.

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Maybe you’re wondering why I’m only laying down the law for public sneezers and not public farters and that’s because farts are funny. If sneezes were funny I’d leave them alone, too.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. December 6, 2011 12:28 pm

    Agreed, except that fingers are not for covering noses. Sneezers need to sneeze into their elbows, not their hands because if they’re just going to collect the sneezy cooties on their palm and then proceed to put that hand on doorknobs, telephones, and hand rails, they may as well just sneeze freely into the wide open air and let the cooties land where they may.

    I run a small daycare and yo are right about kids, Even two-year-olds, when properly instructed, can be considerate sneezers. Of course, they’re still a pack of carrier monkeys, but civilized ones. ;O)


  2. December 6, 2011 4:35 pm

    I’ve awarded you for your utter awesomeness (and for the chance that you might repay me with cookies). Just clickety-click to collect your goodies.

    You realize, of course, that by ‘goodies,’ I mean a pic that you totally could have swiped anyway and not felt any obligation to meet the demands that come with being an award winner, right? Yeah, I thought so.


    • Michael Fishman permalink
      December 7, 2011 7:56 am

      Beth, I can’t clickety-click on the clickety-click link. It hightlights but it doesn’t take me anywhere 😦

      And you’re right about the sneezing into hands. I might have to go back and edit.


  3. December 6, 2011 4:51 pm

    Michael, When my kids were younger I taught them to sneeze inside their shirts. All the germs go in there and stay there. Such a good idea, I don’t know why no one has thought of it. I know it’s gross, but not as gross as sneezing in your hand and then touching something. Sesame Street teaches kids to sneeze into their elbow…what little kid can move that fast. SNEEZE INTO YOUR SUPERMAN TEE-SHIRT!

    Once I was at a Jams Taylor concert and the knucklehead sitting in front of me turned around (To protect his girlfriend from his germs I guess) and sneezed on me. I could have smacked him. I kicked the back of his seat all night instead.



  4. Anonymous permalink
    December 7, 2011 9:50 am

    do you have something against burpers and hiccupers?


  5. December 7, 2011 12:55 pm

    Farts are totally funny! You know what else? Farts aren’t germy (well…maybe a little but they’re also covered by pants).


    • Michael Fishman permalink
      December 8, 2011 1:08 pm

      Plus, even without pants the laughter keeps the germs at bay. Germs hate laughter.


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