I’m Tire’d

Have you gone looking for tires lately? I have and what a crazy experience it’s been so far. The tire guys have this whole language you have to familiarize yourself with like “siping” and “cupping” and “max load”. And it’s not enough to know the tire’s “tread depth” (do you want 10/32’s or 11/32’s deep treads?), you also need to know it’s “tread width” and its “wear rating”. And it’s “tread direction”. Who knew?

And the names! They’re so glorious and alluring and mysterious and speak to our inner selves.

Worried about your future (or about your driving?)? Michelin offers you “Destiny”.

Feeling patriotic? Goodyear offers you the “Eagle”.

Cash strapped? Then look no farther than the “Energy Saver”.

What’s that, you want something a little more European sounding? Let me show you the “Turanza” or the “Bravurus” or the “Potenza”.

Maybe you’d rather have a tire you can trust with your secrets on long, lonely road trips in which case I’d suggest the “Sincera”.

You say you don’t want the mundane? Then I think you might be interested in Continental’s “ExtremeContact”. If not, then give a look over at the “Max” or if your neighbor already has the “Max”, then you can get the “Maxx”.

Pirelli makes the “Four Seasons” for Classical music lovers and the “Nero” for Roman history enthusiasts.

Senior citizens have been flocking to Arizonian’s “Silver Edition” tire and the metaphysical (along with Joss Whedon fans) have been buying up Bridgestone’s “Serenity”.

Pessimists can’t seem to drag themselves away from Kumho’s “Run Flat” while optimists opt for Kumho’s “Xpert”. Sadly, no one seems to be offering “The Confused” for buyers like me.

There used to be a time when buying tires wasn’t such a big deal and to be honest with you, all this tire confusion is starting to rubber me the wrong way. Sure, the rides back then weren’t as smooth as they are now but you know, I’m willing to make some sacrifices to return to those simpler times.